Me and my boyfriend Tom have being going out nearly two years. We met on the first day of university and became friends and we started going out in December 2005. What is the most important thing in our relationship? It is our mobile phones.
The vast majority of our relationship has been conducted through our mobile phones, despite living only five minutes away from each other, it is 2pm and I have spoken to him on the phone twice today already. Most of the time our messages are simple messages where we discuss when we will meet up and see each other but I think these themselves are important. The ability to text each other at any time means that we can be in touch even when physically we can’t. I like it when he texts me during the day simply asking how my day is. It proves that he is thinking of me and I text him checking he’s ok too. We tend to exchange at least 6 messages everyday; to know that someone is caring for you even when they are far apart it very touching.
Without doing the maths me and Tom having dating for about 700 days now. Out of those days there have only been about 20 when we haven’t been in touch at all. Tom is from Essex and I’m from Hull so during university holidays we go home and our phones become our means of communicating. Those messages keep our relationship going despite the different things we’re doing. The hardest days in our relationship were the ten days he was in Las Vegas over the summer as he couldn’t use his phone and we had no contact, I missed him so much; it made me realize that by being in constant contact with him is one of the best ways for me to keep my healthy distain for him, I was hysterical when I finally spoke to him and it almost gave him some power in our relationship!
Am I over romanticizing our fairly bland text exchanges? Maybe as in the olden days we would have had to sit and write each other long letters and little memos that we would have had to wait for and cherish. For a start Tom is dyslexic so that might be a bit hard for him to write me a letter in the style of Jane Austen but at the same time who actually can say that pastural imagery and words of that kind of nature are more important than those simple words in a text message, the thought and the meaning behind them is similar. A few times we have written each other long letters declaring our devotion for the other which of course meant a lot but that kind of romance on a daily basis would end up just like our text messages some would mean more than others.
Text messages are without a doubt a language and writing within their own right. Their codes and conventions mean different things to the people exchanging them. Our exchanges have several codes within them, for example we always finish our messages with three xxx’s. This is our customary finish but if one of us omit these then we know the other is REALLY angry and upset. Like a lot of things in life these little subtle displays are most notable when they’re suddenly not there. In my day to day life I don’t think he is necessarily the most romantic man for sending me a message to ask how my lecture went but when he doesn’t that’s when I notice how much they mean to me.
Something else that text messaging give us is a space for discussion. In some ways through text messaging we can discuss issues in a way similar to people in a public sphere. We both become equal and after an argument or discussion when one of us has walked off it is far easier for us to text rather but the text message stays there ready to be read when you’re calm enough to and the instantaneous properties of text messaging mean that you can talk through the problem but both sides get to put their side across because unlike talking face to face you can’t interrupt someone when they’re texting by talking over them. It is a lot more democratic way to solve disagreements and raises the importance of rational discussion like Habermas orginially labelled as key to theories of public spheres as we try to overcome our problems rather than simply trying to win the argument.
So our relationship may not be totally focused on face to face interaction but the constant contact between us allows us to stay up to date with the others actions and are easily able to plan our next meeting. Like a love letter our messages are quite private, with our nicknames etc for each other being equally sacred. At the end of the day the Mr Darcy’s in Bronte novels wrote ‘I love you’ and Tom says ‘I love you’ to my face then why just because it is written on a text message would it mean less? I’m quite happy with a message every night we spend apart saying ‘I’m going to bed now, see you tomorrow, love you xxx’- simple but effective.
Not that I’m saying he’s simple obviously.
I totally know what you mean Mel, me and my boyfriend are exactly the same! we have special codes to save the pennies by not using to many characters in a text message! and we know no kisses means please dont speak to me for at least 2-3 hours. haha
My housemate is big on penny saving, by missing out all vowels in her text she thinks she will be understood… ths iz n xampl ov her txtn… it takes three times as long to try and work out what she has actually said.
I do find myself adapting to peoples text though. Everyone texts in different ways so you need to figure out who will understand what and who won’t understand your code words.
ahhhhhh mel I never knew you were such a romantic hehe! I too agree with what you are saying about text messaging being just as important in a relatonship as say a letter may have been in less contempoary times.
However I do think that text messaging can also have detrimental effects on some indivdual relationships. for instnace to use an example my housemate rings her boyfriend at least three times a day whilst at university and seems to be texting him when ever she isnt on the phone. By doing this she seems to take him for granted and ive noticed when she notices it is her boyfriend ringing her she neither appears ecstatic or excited by the prospect and it seems from my point of view that by ringing each other everyday there relationship is becoming quite a monotous regime. however when it happens he has either forgotten to ring her or is maybe just busy the reverse seems apparant and she seems to suffer extreme paranoia believeing there to be something wrong when really he has just been busy with other things. Frm being in a long term relationship myself, me and my boyfriend only text each other a few times a week and never really ring one another alot of couples may find this strange but I find this fact really helps us appreciate each other, as we can grow seperatly without growing apart.
sorry this is rather a sceptical rant, im sure that all relationships are different and in some relationships texts probably help induce the passion but in my friends case this seems sadly not to be the case.
monotonous* i ment sorry